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A bodyscan is a relaxation technique which can help us control anxiety or unhelpful emotions. This is a 5 minute bodyscan. You can do this bodyscan sitting up or lying down. Try and find a comfortable position.

I have had so many conversations over the years about peoples’ experience of dating I thought it was about time this was shared in the hope it will make us all feel a little more normal when we attempt to navigate the dating conundrum. We only have to listen to music, look at social media or watch a film to see how fundamental it is for us all to find the perfect partner. Indeed, evolution has pushed us in this direction to keep our species going. Why then is it that when we are really attracted to someone, we find we get tongue-tied and blush in ways we never do in other areas of life? Evolution got that wrong for sure!   We cannot, unfortunately, snap our fingers and be everything to everyone and wishing that were so will just make us disappointed and may also stop us from trying. So, given that we have to accept that things are far from ideal, the blogs in this series will hopefully give you some ideas and knowledge on how to approach dating and make sure your next relationship is the best it can possibly be.   I will break this down into different stages and provide top tips along the way.

Part 1: When dating we need to understand the rules of attraction.   Why are we attracted to some individuals and not others? Or why do some people find us attractive, but others don’t? I have always found it interesting that individuals are often (but not always) not attracted to their good friends’ boyfriends/ girlfriends/ partner, etc. How can it be that our dear friend who shares our values choses someone we are not attracted to in the slightest bit?   The reason for this comes from evolution and from the systems we live in and how they influence our beliefs and behaviours.   Genes play a part. Research suggests that we are more attracted to the smell of someone genetically different to us – a wider gene pool results in greater survival.   The environment we grew up in also plays a part. Whom we are attracted to is an amalgamation of bits of our mothers/fathers/aunts/uncles/siblings/cousins/first teachers/early friends/etc. ·       It may be that when we meet someone with the same warmth as our mothers, we find that attractive. ·       It may be that our mothers were cold and distant, and when we meet someone with similar characteristics, we feel repelled. ·       Another example is that we may have admired our sibling or father or aunt, and so when we meet someone who has a similar personality, we feel attracted to them. ·       More confusingly, we may be attracted to an individual that reminds us of an unfulfilled relationship because we might be compelled to keep trying to fulfil the part that is left wanting. ·       Or it may be that we felt unsafe with a particular family member or in an early relationship. When we meet someone with similar characteristics, we are wary. Of course, there are many examples of when this is not always the case…we are all aware of stories of people serially attracted to someone that is wrong for them.   When we meet the individual that fits with the amalgamation of everything we are drawn towards, we can feel that attraction immediately. Of course, this attraction may be in our best interests – if we have had positive relationships. Or this person may not be in our best interests. Just as we are attracted to individuals because of an amalgamation of our genes and background history, so too are others attracted (or not attracted) to us due to the same combination of factors. The most important thing when we embark on dating is to remember that not everyone is going to find us attractive, and that is okay.   This is easy to say and difficult to carry out, but if we can hold on to the fact that just because someone does not think of us as their ideal partner, that does not mean there is something wrong with us…just that we don’t fit with their background history. Of course, if we experience this disappointment repeatedly, we will assume something is wrong with us, but I will come on to discuss these ideas and how to make sure we are choosing well in the following few blogs.   Don't miss the other blogs in this series on dating.

Confirmation Bias Confirmation bias is fundamental to our experience as humans and a fundamental to understand when dating.   Confirmation bias is the idea that we develop beliefs about ourselves, others and the world depending on our experiences. And then, once those beliefs have been formed, we find information that ‘fits’ with the belief and discard information that does not fit. Following are some beliefs that will impact our experience of dating and relationships.   Let's discuss how the belief that we are not good enough impacts on us when dating. We may be attracted to individuals we think can never love us because that ‘fits’ with our sense of not being good enough. We may reject individuals that are attracted to us because we assume, often unconsciously, there is something wrong with them - if we are not good enough, then anyone who likes us must be flawed. We may be on a date with someone we are attracted to but believe they are not attracted to us. We may try to work out what we think they might like, be that a funny or intelligent person, and then try to tell jokes or say things we think they will find intelligent. The irony of this, of course, is that we have no idea what they want, and we might be just what they are looking for. Top tip: Make sure you give people who are attracted to you a fair chance and be yourself on a date! You never know but you may be just what your date is looking for. Let's think about how will the belief that is it okay to be cruel/critical/disrespectful in a relationship will impact on dating and more fundamentally, in any long-term relationship. Confirmation Bias An individual might accept certain behaviours as okay because it fits with their experience, perhaps their parents did not have a great relationship. It may be that our date thinks it is okay to criticize us in an unkind way. We may not notice these criticisms because they are familiar to us. It might be that the person we are dating, whom we like, behaves in disrespectful ways, such as cancelling a date at the last minute, taking days or weeks to respond to a message, or ghosting us and then being back in touch when it suits them. What we need to think about here is – do I want to spend my effort (and potentially life) with someone who thinks it is okay to behave like that? If someone behaves like that at the beginning of a relationship, it is likely to continue. Top tip: Keep an eye on how your date treats you. If they are disrespectful and unkind, is this really someone you want to spend your life with? You may think you can change them, and this may be true but it also might not be true and so it might be better to spend effort on someone who is worth it.   Let us consider how the belief that we are unlovable will impact on us when dating. There may be many reasons why individuals feel unlovable. Confirmation Bias If one or the other of our parents did not show us the love we deserved or if we were bullied at school or a multitude of other reasons, we may feel that we are unlovable. It is impossible for a child to understand that the unkind behaviour is due to the demons their parents or school peers have and nothing to do with themselves. I have worked with many lovely individuals who do not believe they are lovable. If someone does believe this, how will they behave on a first date with someone they are attracted to? What will they notice? What will they fail to notice? It might be that the conversation faulters. A person who believes they are unlovable then may jump to the conclusion that their date is bored or does not like them. Or it may be that the date says they must go on somewhere else. Again, it is likely this will be interpreted as a negative whereas it may be a negative and it also might just be that the date is telling the truth, and it does not mean they have not enjoyed themselves. Top tip: If we believe we are unlovable ideally what we should do on a first date is hold on to the idea that maybe we are wrong and maybe someone will think we are fine just as we are. There are many strategies for us to be able to do this but just remember that beliefs are not necessarily the truth. Confirmation Bias What if we believe we are unlucky in love when dating? Depending on our experience in life, we will approach dating in different ways. If we have a good sense of self and have always been lucky with our dating experience, then we will have a very different belief about the outcome of a date in comparison to those who feel they have been unlucky in love.   If we have been lucky in love and a date does not go well, we might move quickly on to the next date without too much heartache. If, on the other hand, we have been unlucky in love and our date does not go well, we may take this as further evidence we are unlucky in love and may then assume we will never meet anyone. This might affect our behaviour, for example, we may stop trying to meet someone. I have worked with many people who have been without a partner for long periods of time and taken this as 'evidence' that they are unlucky in love when it was more likely that they were alone because they made little or no effort to meet anyone. Another example is that when our date does not suggest a further meeting either at the end of the first date, or they do not get in touch the next day. If we believe we are unlucky in love, we might take this as further evidence. If then the date gets in touch a day or a few days later, we might respond in an unhelpful way. Top tip: if you believe you are unlucky in love, you might feel there is no point in trying. Remember the best way to find love is to meet as many single people as you possibly can. Confirmation Bias It is often the case that we belief we need to lose weight, get a new job, improve ourselves in some way before embarking on dating. I have heard time and again the idea that we need to look or be our best before embarking on dating: I need to lose those extra kgs, or I need to get over XYZ, or I need to change my career before I begin. The trouble with this is that it might be that someone likes you just the way you are, or it might be they help you to get over XYZ, or it might be they don’t care what job you do but admire your ambition. I do not advocate that you should look for someone to help you to get over XYZ, you should try to do that yourself but maybe dating will give the distraction needed to feel better or the impetus to lose those extra kgs or take up exercise.

Building confidence is important before we embark on dating and open ourselves up for rejection.   Dating can be exhausting. We must put effort into meeting someone. All the profiles trawled, and messages sent. The hopes and fears and feelings of rejection. All the dates we wish for but do not go on or go on and end up in disaster. Exhausting! It is not ideal to start dating feeling rubbish about ourselves. Please re-read the attraction blog and remember - just because someone does not find us attractive, that DOES NOT mean there is something wrong with us. Let's think about how to feel the best we can.   Open a document and at the top write the words: 'The reasons why someone would be lucky to have me'. Many people who have low self-esteem will find this difficult. We often dismiss things as being 'not enough' of a quality. Write everything down, however small, or insignificant you think it is. Ask people who are fond of you their thoughts. Ask yourself, would you want to care for someone? Be there for them? Be interested in them? Listen to them? Travel or have together? The list can go on and on. In my experience, there will be a lot we can bring to a relationship. Once you have completed this task, repeatedly read over the list. Changing a belief from 'I have nothing to give' to 'Someone would be lucky to have me' takes time and effort. You might find you believe the list to be untrue. That it is not a true reflection. This is because when we have a belief we are not good enough, any information that goes against that belief is difficult for us to accept. Go through each item on the list and ask yourself if that item is true. For example, would you listen to your girlfriend/boyfriend/partner's problems and want to solve them? If the answer to that is yes, then move on to the next item. If each item is true, then the list is true, even if you have trouble accepting it. We need to go over this list just before each date. Whatever happens in the date, whether someone wants a relationship with us or not, does not change what we can offer. Top dating tips: Building confidence is important before we embark on dating and open ourselves up for rejection. Develop a list of all the things you can bring to a relationship. Ask friends and family to come up with suggestions. Think of all the compliments you have been paid. All your interests. Your values. Your qualities. When you have a list, re-read it often. If we believe we are not good enough, it is not easy to change. We may dismiss the list we have developed because we do not feel it is the truth. Go over the list and ask yourself about each item. Is it the truth? If the answer is 'yes' move on until you get to the end of the list. If all items on the list are the truth but you feel you are not that good remember, just because we feel something it does not mean it is the truth. Re-read the list before any date to remind yourself what you bring.

The importance of considering what you are looking for in a life partner when dating.   Whatever our experience of dating, one of the most important things for us to work out is what we are looking for.   Sometimes we are so desperate for someone to find us attractive that we forget to determine what we want. It is often the case that people with a good sense of themselves will be aware of what they are looking for and have clear expectations of how they should be treated. From an evolutionary standpoint, being confident of what we are looking for will help the person we are dating understand that we have self-worth, and this generally increases attractiveness.   So, before that first date, or even if you have been dating for a while, make a list of what you are looking for. Most people would be able to say that they want someone who looks a particular way, is funny or intelligent but we need to think further than that. Someone may be attractive, but if they don't fit with our value system, that can be a problem in the long run.   What might be the things you are looking for in a long-term partner? Here are some suggestions:   Do I find them somewhat physically attractive? Does their value system fit with my value system?  Are they compassionate and thoughtful or critical and unkind? Do they enjoy discussing the same things I enjoy? Do they like doing at least some of the things I enjoy? If I want children, do they also want children? Can we have fun together? Do they make me feel good about myself? On a first date, it would not be a good idea to begin firing questions at someone. But subtly asking questions or watching how they respond to things can give us the information we need. Whether the person is right for us or not cannot be gleaned in one or two dates. It will take some time.   Do I find them somewhat physically attractive? Research suggests it is not the falling in love at first sight relationships that generally last. The ones that last are those people we did not initially find attractive. It may have started as friends or individuals we knew at school or work. Physical attraction is important but do not dismiss someone who does not exactly fit. It may be nice to look at something beautiful, but the relationship has to work.   Does their value system fit with my value system ?   This, of course, depends on your value system, but we can find out about someone's value system from what they say, how they talk about their family, friends. How they respond to strangers. How they treat you. Any thoughtful individual would make sure they were asking questions as well as talking. If someone is just talking about themselves without any interest in their date, I would question why they were there. Surely it is important for both parties to want to get to know the other if the intention is for it to grow into something.   Research suggests that what helps relationships endure is compromise. Obviously, this needs to be on both sides for it to work. Watch out for thoughtfulness over rigidity. On a first or subsequent date, it is likely both individuals will be on their best behaviour. We can watch out for signs of kindness or compassion. How do they treat the waiters/bar staff/people around them? If they are unkind or rude to strangers it is likely that their value system is not going to be a compassionate or thoughtful one. Do they enjoy discussing the same things I enjoy? To find this out we need to talk about the things that interest us and see how they respond. If we want our date to find us attractive and only talk about what they seem interested in, we not finding out whether they like what we like.   Do they like doing at least some of the things I enjoy? It is important for us to be honest with what we enjoy. We may think what we enjoy will not be good enough, especially if we lack confidence. But remember they might like doing similar things or at least be open to doing the things we enjoy. And although no one is going to like doing exactly the same activities, imagine spending your life with someone that would never dream of doing things they don't enjoy, no matter how much you liked it.   Can we have fun together? Fun will mean different things for different people. If we want cosy nights alone with our partner and they want to be at a party every night...it might not work. Imagine a life with someone you could not experience fun or pleasure with. Being able to laugh with someone is nourishing and pleasure is fundamental to good psychological health.   You might also consider their outlook on life. What if you are a glass-half-full kind of person and their cup is seriously empty? How would that be? Equally so, if you are someone who sees yourself as a realist and taking matters seriously is important to you. Being with someone who takes life flippantly might be okay at the beginning but may well start to jar as time goes on. Do they make me feel good about myself?             One thing that I am sure we would all agree is that our life partner should make us feel good about ourselves. Someone who has our back and we know they are there for us no matter what. That is why it is so important for us to think about whether the behaviour we see in the person we are dating ‘fits’ with what we would like in a life partner. Imagine spending a lifetime with someone who is always critical or cruel in some way? Noticing such behaviours at the beginning as a red flag, may well help in the long run. And I would also be very careful of assuming that someone will change, or they will not treat you in the way they treat other people. If someone is cruel to others, it is likely they will be cruel to you.   Finding the strength to let go of something that we know deep down is not good for us can be hard when we would love to be in a relationship. But giving our energy to something that is not right for us will take the energy we need to find what is right. Top dating tips: Do I find them somewhat physically attractive? Does their value system fit with my value system?  Are they compassionate and thoughtful or critical and unkind? Do they enjoy discussing the same things I enjoy? Do they like doing at least some of the things I enjoy? If I want children, do they also want children? Can we have fun together? Do they make me feel good about myself?

Dating is a numbers game.   There are about 8 billion people on the planet and so there are plenty of fish in the sea, you just need to find the one that is right for you. Unfortunately, that can be the most difficult part.   So, if it is a numbers game, then my top tips are the following:   Talk to people on social media. Make sure all your connections know you are single. Tell your friends to set you up on dates. The more dating apps you go on, the better chance you have of finding ‘the one’. Think about your social media or your profile on a dating app. Be honest about yourself. If we lie because we do not feel good enough this will cause problems when dating. It is better to find someone who likes us for who we are. Just because you don't like yourself, it does not mean that others will not like you. Get someone to check your profile or social media. You want to be honest but also allow your qualities to sing. Often, we cannot see our qualities or interests and friends can help. Joining groups can be a good source of meeting people. Many groups will have a social element attached. Sports groups, creative groups, travel groups, local groups all can have a social element. A common experience is when individuals send multiple messages but get few back or get many from individuals they are not interested in. This is an experience that is shared no matter how successful or attractive we are. Focus on the end goal. If you get few messages back, then increase the number of messages you send. Once you begin conversing with someone you like, set up a video call. Gauging if you like someone from messages is difficult. You might find a video call daunting but if you message someone over several weeks and then realise on the first meeting you don’t like them, you have wasted energy. After the video call, set up a meeting. Initially just for a short time during the day. Set it up so you can leave early if you are not attracted to them and remember, if you are attracted to them, this does not mean they are right for you. Finding out if someone is right for you will take time. Top dating tips: Meet as many people as you can and if they are not right for you, move quickly on. Remember the right person for you is out there...you just have to find them. So, if you send out lots of messages and get none back then increase your effort.

It is impossible to know how a first date may go or how your date experiences it. You might think they did not enjoy themselves when they did. Research shows we cannot know exactly what our long-term partners are thinking at any given moment, so how can we know what a stranger is thinking? For the sake of brevity, lets stick to the two obvious ways it could go badly - either you don't like your date, or they don’t like you. If you don’t like your date, then ideally you would have already thought about an out. I would suggest, for a first date, only meet for a quick coffee/drink to see what your thoughts are. Meeting someone in the flesh can be quite different to meeting them on a video call. If you like them and they you, then you can arrange to meet again.   Mind reading Okay, let’s assume you have met your date, and you like them but then your daemons arrive, threatening to throw your efforts to the wind.  'You are not good enough!' They cry. They blind you to what is actually going on and only allow you to see negatives. One of the most important things to do when we are enjoying a first date is that we MUST NOT MIND READ. This is where we assume we know what someone else is thinking when we have no idea what they are thinking.Research shows we cannot know exactly what our long-term partners are thinking at any given moment, so how can we know what a stranger is thinking?   'Body language' I hear you cry. Piffle is my response. A good example of this is when someone yawns. You might immediately jump on the idea that you are boring them. But what else could it be? They could have been up all night worrying about the date. They could be an insomniac. They could have slept badly due to work commitments or because they were out enjoying themselves. Who knows? Ideally, of course, people would understand how a yawn may come across and try to hide it, but most people will be focusing on whatever is going in their own mind, which can get in the way of empathy. On the other hand, your date may well be bored but assuming they are won’t do you any favours. Here is one suggestion for a first date. Do look at the other blogs in this series about the first date.   Keep the effort in check.   It is important to remember that thousands of years of evolution will impact on how someone experiences us. If we are overly keen when we really do not know someone, this suggests we would accept anyone. If we would accept anyone, it gives off the impression, often unconsciously, that we are not that great.   I do not advocate the 'treat them mean and keep them keen' advice either. There are two red flags here. If we are the person who remains in a relationship where someone is treating us badly, we are not protecting our psychological health. In the long-run, such relationship will impact on our confidence and sense-of self and should be avoided. On the other hand, if we go on to a date with the idea that the way to someone's heart is to be mean to them but we are not fundamentally a mean person, then we are beginning the relationship on false pretences. How will that play out in the long-term? If we approach dating with the idea 'if someone does not fit with what I am looking for then I will move on (not matter how long I have been looking), then this will give the impression we are not going to settle for just anyone. If we just focus on how someone looks and what we think they are like, or that we are so desperate to have a relationship we will accept anything, in the long run it is more likely that we will get hurt. Top dating tips: The first date. Subtly find out if your date is what you are looking for in a long-term partner. Remember physical attraction is only one part of the puzzle. if you would like to have a long-term relationship there is a lot you need to find out about your date. Remember in the long-term, you will want to be with someone who makes you feel good. Watch how they treat you, how they treat others, how they talk about people. This all gives clues to who they are. Go into a date being you. If you try to be something you are not, you will be found out in the end. And remember, maybe you are just what they are looking for. If you don’t be you, how can you find out if you are just fine the way you are?

The second date and beyond. Suggesting another date. If you have enjoyed your time with someone on a first date, then a confident person would be happy to say they would like to meet again. It has been suggested to me that if we do this, we may seem too keen. I would argue, however, if we have the attitude 'if you like me then that's great and we can get to know each other and if you don’t like me, then I will move on to find someone who does, then we are showing confidence. Using the tennis analogy of keeping the balls in our court as a useful one. If we are waiting for someone to suggest another date then they have the ball in their court. If we ask them if they want another date, then the ball is in our court. And, we are not wasting our time waiting to find out what they think. If they like us then great, if they don't then we should spend our energy on finding someone who does.        It might be that you have suggested another date, and they don’t get back to you immediately. Remember... don’t mind read . We are all different and your date's time frame for responding might be unlike yours. Of course, it can also be the case that your date is not responding because they don’t want another date but find letting someone down uncomfortable. I would keep in mind here that it is a numbers game and don’t waste too much time waiting.   Alcohol and other substances. It may be that you have not dated for a while, or you have met someone you really like and alcohol helps you to relax. That is fine for the first few dates but if we don't find out what someone is like during the day or without alcohol, how can we know if they are right for us?   Use subsequent dates to really test out your 'what am I looking for in a life partner.' Remember, it takes a long time to get to know what someone is really like and when we want something badly enough, we might only see what we want to see.   Another point I would make here is also to keep in mind, someone might not be perfect or not what we thought we would want but if we find we enjoy someone's company, don't be too hasty to end something. Top dating tips: The Second date and beyond. If you have enjoyed your first date, it is important to find out if they feel the same. Suggesting another meeting shows confidence, not neediness. If they don’t want another date, fine. If you do meet again, remember to find out if they will fit with you. Being attracted to someone physically is only one part of the puzzle. And try not to dismiss people you are not immediately attracted to. They may well grow on you.

As mentioned at the beginning, dating take a lot of energy. As such, it is important that we conserve as much energy as we can for us to be able to endure what can be a really difficult process. I won't repeat all the potential pitfalls here, as I do not want to put you off. One thing I would suggest is that there is absolutely no point in putting our energy in to something that is not right for us in one way or another.   Firstly, if someone likes us then they will put the effort in. Within reason, they will respond to the messages we send, they will want to see us within a reasonable amount of time, they will make suggestions for further dates, and they will also send us messages or call. If we find we are always the one that is making the effort, I would question that. Think about it in the long-term. If we are always the one that makes the effort, how will that impact on our self-esteem moving forward? If we embark on relationships because we lack self-esteem, how will dating someone like that improve our self-esteem? Watching energy It is important to watch our energy levels when embarking on dating, as it can be exhausting. I suggest we move between periods of time when we make a lot of effort and periods of time off. This can be days, weeks, or months. However, it is important to get back to it if our goal is to find someone. It is common that we avoid looking for love because of a multitude of reasons but after years of being alone, we use this 'being alone' as evidence of being unlovable. And then we avoid looking for love because we feel we are unlovable and round we go in a circle.   Keeping motivated It can be so difficult to keep motivated when it seems that all our efforts are fruitless. It is also hard to be relentlessly positive in the face of rejection. In fact, it is virtually impossible. There is not really an easy answer to this, but I would re-read the blog on attraction, 'it’s a numbers game' and moving on quickly. The person you are looking for and who also is looking for you is out there.... you just have to find them.   If it’s not working…research suggests not physical attraction. Maybe ask friends to choose. Alongside the above, I would also make sure that we are not being overly judgemental or have unrealistic expectations. That is not to say that we should settle but research suggests that many long-term relationships started as friendships or with people we were not attracted to and then one day we see them in a different light, or something shifts, and we see something we did not see before.   This is one of the reasons why I think internet dating can be problematic. We have lists of what we are looking for and often do not meet with people unless they fit exactly. But we forget that if we meet someone that seems perfect on paper...there might be no chemistry at all. But at times we meet individuals that do not tick all our boxes but there is something about them that draws our attention. Top dating tips: Moving quickly on. Manage the exhaustion of dating by moving between times when we give it our all and times when we find other ways of nourishing ourselves. Try to keep motivated. Remember the person you are looking for is out there. You just have to find them. If you are struggling to find someone, ask friends what they think about your approach. Are you dismissing perfectly lovely individuals just because they don’t fit exactly?

When dating we must remember that it can take time and the time spent can be enjoyable and exhausting. As such make sure you focus on a balance in life, so spend time on rest, play, and health.             I would like to leave this blog by repeated that finding our life partner has been described as a full-time job. As such, it can be utterly exhausting. If we can keep all the suggestions here in mind and try to enjoy the process as much as possible. Maybe we meet someone who we did not like but we enjoyed a conversation, or a coffee, or a walk, or a new experience. It is important to keep focused on the end goal, but we also need to keep a balance in life....and keeping a balance in life is my next set of blogs.

You have probably heard of CBT and if you have not, it is something that has been found, time and again, to help individuals overcome certain difficulties. There are actually four elements to it. The 'cognitive' element focuses on our thoughts and how they can be helpful and unhelpful to us. The 'behavioural' elements looks at what we do or do not do, depending on how we see ourselves, others and the world. There are two other elements, which are not apparent in the phrase: the 'mood' element and the 'physical' element. Mood relates to how we feel: happy, sad, guilty, fearful, worried, surprised, angry, etc. The physical element looks at how our body responds physically to a particular mood. So, for example, in anxiety we may feel a raised heart beat. In low mood we may feel a lack of energy. CBT helps individuals to understand all of these different elements and then provides strategies to help improve lives. These blogs are going to help you to understand anxiety more and it will provide you with a step-by-step program to help you to manage it better.  Psychologists have been studying this system and ways to help for decades and some of this knowledge and understanding will now be past to you. If you know of anyone else who may benefit, please do share the details with them.