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  • Writer's pictureDr Joanne Stuart

Dating and ways to survive it - Building Confidence

Building Confidence

Building confidence is important before we embark on dating and open ourselves up for rejection.


Dating can be exhausting. We must put effort into meeting someone. All the profiles trawled, and messages sent. The hopes and fears and feelings of rejection. All the dates we wish for but do not go on or go on and end up in disaster. Exhausting!

It is not ideal to start dating feeling rubbish about ourselves. Please re-read the attraction blog and remember - just because someone does not find us attractive, that DOES NOT mean there is something wrong with us. Let's think about how to feel the best we can.


  • Open a document and at the top write the words: 'The reasons why someone would be lucky to have me'.

  • Many people who have low self-esteem will find this difficult. We often dismiss things as being 'not enough' of a quality. Write everything down, however small, or insignificant you think it is.

  • Ask people who are fond of you their thoughts.

  • Ask yourself, would you want to care for someone? Be there for them? Be interested in them? Listen to them? Travel or have together? The list can go on and on. In my experience, there will be a lot we can bring to a relationship.

  • Once you have completed this task, repeatedly read over the list. Changing a belief from 'I have nothing to give' to 'Someone would be lucky to have me' takes time and effort.

  • You might find you believe the list to be untrue. That it is not a true reflection. This is because when we have a belief we are not good enough, any information that goes against that belief is difficult for us to accept.

  • Go through each item on the list and ask yourself if that item is true. For example, would you listen to your girlfriend/boyfriend/partner's problems and want to solve them? If the answer to that is yes, then move on to the next item. If each item is true, then the list is true, even if you have trouble accepting it.

  • We need to go over this list just before each date. Whatever happens in the date, whether someone wants a relationship with us or not, does not change what we can offer.

Building Confidence

Top dating tips: Building confidence is important before we embark on dating and open ourselves up for rejection.

Develop a list of all the things you can bring to a relationship. Ask friends and family to come up with suggestions. Think of all the compliments you have been paid. All your interests. Your values. Your qualities. When you have a list, re-read it often. If we believe we are not good enough, it is not easy to change. We may dismiss the list we have developed because we do not feel it is the truth. Go over the list and ask yourself about each item. Is it the truth? If the answer is 'yes' move on until you get to the end of the list. If all items on the list are the truth but you feel you are not that good remember, just because we feel something it does not mean it is the truth. Re-read the list before any date to remind yourself what you bring.

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